This is too funny

I had to share this thing. My dad sent it to me and I have no idea where he got it, but it is hilarious.

Enjoy!

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchasedhis lovely wife a "pocket Taser" for their anniversary submitted this...Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparkedmy interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking fora little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser weresupposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on yourassailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOOCOOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded twotriple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! Iwas disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button ANDpressed it against flesh or a metal surface at the same time; I'd getthe blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.Awesome!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burnspot is on the face of her microwave. Okay, so I was home alone withthis new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad withonly two triple-a batteries, right?!!!There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trustinglittle soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that Ireally needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. Imust admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was goingto give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I didwant some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my readingglasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in onehand, and taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burstwould shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; athree-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on theground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three secondswould be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5"long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really (andloaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to oneside as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burstfrom such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.. I decidedto give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it.

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OFMASS DESTRUCTION )*(&#(*)&)(#%)jld*(&#*#***!!! ]

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked meup in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over andover and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetalposition, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body inthe oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing overme making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face,undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it again!"Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, onenote of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when youzap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodgedfrom your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three secondburst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A-BITCH... That hurt like hell!!!

A minute or so later (I can'tbe sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits(what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they up getthere???My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed88 lbs. I'm still looking for my testicles. I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.